Sometimes, when looking at someone else’s actions, it is possible to see the misconception that makes them think in a certain way and then act from that thinking. If they dropped that way of thinking, that identity, that certainty that this is the way things are, they would be free to do something else. It doesn’t seem hard to see that this is true. Sometimes, these ways of acting and identity seem very deep, very established, and can’t be otherwise. Can a mind be reformatted? Can memories be removed? Experiences forgotten? Can what has been learned, be forgotten? The most difficult might be in identity. Who I think I am. The costume that I wear. But it all goes together.
And we get in ruts. We tend to do things repeatedly with the same people, the same pattern, the same materials, the same order, the same place. What happens when you change these things? Addicts often fall back into their behavior as they go back to the same neighborhood with the same people doing the same things. They get pulled back into what they know.
It must be possible to break free from those patterns. It may depend on what you want to do. Buy a different vegetable. Eat it raw. Cook brown rice.
Same-old will do if you want comfort and familiarity, and you’ll stay stuck.
Maybe the hardest change won’t be in things, places, or people but in thought patterns. We don’t see those very well. We are that. How does that bad habit see itself and offer a different path? How does the pattern stop relying on the immediate solution?
How does one stop creating the same holes, stepping into them, and then saying nothing can be done?
I’ve been reading a book where the main character was sexually abused when she was a child. It seems that after that period of her life, she continued the abuse, stepping into the situations herself, inviting them, or using them to her advantage. She was hardened and could take them, but they took their toll. To say no was more dangerous than just putting up with it until it was done. And then she also could manipulate people to get what she wanted, to control the situation. All of this is so painful and hard to watch, and hard to know why she couldn’t just walk away from this kind of life. Especially when one sees that this is not a reality for many other people. It doesn’t have to be a lifestyle. But when a door is opened and you step into a room, it’s often hard to get out, and you might not see that there is an exit.
And we can all find ourselves there, with very different circumstances. The similarity is that we get stuck in the rut. We can’t take the time to find the door out. We can’t discard familiarity. We look for comfort and guidance in what is known. Sometimes, we can’t even admit that there is a problem. We might not want to believe that our small habits are harmful or causing us pain. We argue that if we just did them differently, it would be okay.
I have a sign on my wall that says: Addiction. Don’t try to fix it. Just leave it alone. This is a reference to social media posting. If I say that social media posting is not a problem. It’s a minor activity. It causes no harm. I hardly think about it, so there is no problem. But when I see that it starts to consume a lot of time in posting, checking, and considering what to post and making work just to post, then I know it is taking up too much time and importance. I have made it a central part of my life. I even call it a job. It is like going to the office. Do I desperately want a job and an office, and have I made this substitute for that? Yes and no. When I get unhappy that my audience is not responding as I had hoped, I know that is part of the reward system. I want interaction as a reward, and sometimes I get that. I even meet new people. My world has enlarged. Someone else to pitch my offerings to. It is seduction. It is far less dangerous, but I am still looking for an intimate hit.
And when I see that it is also tied to my identity, which I am still desperately trying to maintain and promote, I must find a way to continue. What better way to continue than to use the stage of social media, when one doesn’t have the stage of a gallery or a museum? When no one in power recognizes my abilities, I create my own show. And instead of waiting for a proper venue and doing it once a year, it can be done daily, and I can pretend that this is just as good, maybe even better, because I can show much more of what I am doing. It accumulates to a broader range of work. My identity is front and center for everyone to see, and I can imagine they are waiting for the next installment of my production. And while I see that this is how I am operating, I also see other people doing the same thing, some quite professionally, as they are also finding ways to make money through this system. And I encourage them with my attention. And so I believe all this is a legitimate way of spending my time, energy, and attention. I tell myself there are benefits to this, and I am learning things I wouldn’t know otherwise, which has some truth. But perhaps the drinking has gotten out of hand, and it’s taking too much, demanding too much, returning very little.
The stage is the pull, the reward. It reinforces my importance. And I think I must not be responsible if I am not onstage. If I am not seen, then I must not be doing what I should be doing. I am not preparing for recognition. I am not pitching my product. What good is all of this production if it can’t be seen? I am losing my job. (Don’t adults all have jobs that they work daily? Isn’t that what my father said? Even if I pushed back, something still believed and accepted that, and still wanted credit for the effort! ) I am losing my importance. I am losing my reason for being! It revolves around me, the center of my reality, my universe. Life recedes.
And like any addict, can I walk away long enough to see the effects of the addiction and also to feel differently, to feel the health return to the mind and body long enough to know that it is true that there is another way to be in the world?
Comentarios