In a conversation, a tone lingers after the two have parted. A worry, a review by thought about what was said and went unsaid. In a phone conversation, faces are absent, only voices can show emotion. Is that dullness that you sense from the other their own depression, or are you causing it by what you choose to bring to the conversation? Is this about you or them? You were both participants; what are they reviewing?
Do you ever get to the point where you say I’ve done enough? I’m not ready to die, but I’m done producing. And I still may want to make some things and still engage with materials. So, what is the difference in attitude? It’s not a series, it’s not a performance. It’s just for me to try something, to engage in something. Could I have the rest of my days to do that? I’m not being responsible for a plan, a program, a direction, or a goal.
I’m just here.
Today, I am wandering. Going from place to place, looking at the garden in its final blooming days. Digging up something that seems to be crowding something else. The air is warm and sunny, compared to the drizzle and cold of the last few days. These are the first days of autumn, and the leaves are starting to drop. A few chickadees were in the garden, probably eating the sunflower seeds. It’s hard to know what eats the seeds of the other plants. I’m leaving them until spring just in case someone wants a meal.
Of course, in this wandering, I worry about what else I should be doing to be properly productive. Shouldn’t I start something in the studio? Shouldn’t I finish that essay that I can’t seem to commit to? I’ve been writing about conversation, hoping to say why I want to have one with someone, why I can’t, and how I hope the drawings have something to say. And someone who looks at them will notice and engage with them through their thoughts. It seems that I am supposed to give more information about them for someone to be attracted enough to want to do so. The drawings are screaming and extremely quiet. Easily ignored, unless, of course, you are a person who is already thinking along the same lines and recognizes the correspondence. If I say a few things to assure you that, yes, it is true, we are seeing the same things from different views, then maybe you can stay a little while longer and fuel your own concerns.
But I don’t know what you must hear to stop, look, and contemplate. The drawings already say a lot, but they don’t say everything. They are pointing to many different elements of what it means to be human. I hope to give a new spin to what we already know because we live it. The living and the experiencing don’t seem enough to give significance to our common ground. In fact, it does the opposite, as it pushes the common back to be taken for granted, even if we suffer the consequences of who we are. We learn early on to be brave, not to cry or whine. And then we learn not to say the obvious, not to be boring with complaints, not to criticize. And not to expose a lie. Stay quiet. Look for the positive. Be grateful.
Yesterday, I heard someone describe how to have office conversations. Don’t bring up the world's disasters, avoid politics, some sports conversations may be OK, look up the calendar celebration of the day and let everyone know. Oh yes, kill me now.
Don't Pick Up The Rope
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